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An update on my Pause

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I was not planning to date for a full year; however, on Day 182, a man kissed me even though I didn’t want him to. He said he had been praying to find me for a year after we happened to meet one evening when I was having some gift wrapping done at the mall and began talking. Since he had prayed for me, I agreed to meet him, but after talking a few hours he tried to kiss me. I told him I didn’t want to break my pause. We discussed it. After such a severely lonely time, I was unable to resist his persistent attempts to show me affection and I dated him. I was weak…ugh.

It lasted a month. God was in control of just who He allowed to cause me to stumble in my Pause. I have never seen God so blatantly give me so much plunder. God spoke so much love for me though I constantly beat myself up inside for failing. Ultimately, it was the idea of who this man thought I was after praying for me night and day for a year and not actually me whom he liked. Since I know my soul is hardy and his was not, I asked God to cause him to break up with me so that he would not want to pursue me further. God worked that out just as I petitioned so that the man was not hurt. And my hurt, I poured into God who is my Deepest Love.

(I didn’t realize that 180 days is 6 months…so I lasted longer than anyone else I know by far…I could do it if He said to again.)

I am not on Pause now. Yet I am not dating. I am not interested in dating for the sake of dating. My heart is not able to pray daily in a journal as I had been for a husband. All I have and am is in God. What I have He gave me. What I will have, He will give me in His perfect wisdom. Whatever plans there are for me and whether or not they include a husband, I leave in God’s hands.

As for my part in it….yes, I often cry out to God that I am alone with only Him. And yet I will not allow myself to date (as I am able) until there comes a man who acts like the man God put in my heart to pray for my husband to be. Even my holy desires come from God and are not my own.

I think sometimes I would rather be alone and free to do God’s will without restraints, but if God wants me to serve a man who needs a helpmate, then I surrender to my Heavenly Father’s best plans for my life and the ministry He wants me to do. I am not my own; I was bought at a great price…though I cannot possibly understand why He would want a punk like me when no one else seems to.🙂

In the meantime, God allows so many trials to come to me which are painfully scraping away the shell of my soul so that I daily despair of its pain, but I surrender to His pruning and shaping. I save you from that sorrow, but people unfriend me on facebook often lol since they do not know or care that He said, “grieve, mourn, cry and wail.” On fb it MUST be happy, right? Nay. I miss that mark. :p Stupid facebook! lol

Yet I am never alone. He who is my Maker is my Husband, my Father, my Redeemer, and the only One who prefers me. I press into Him and others as He leads, but they do not meet my needs much since only Jesus completes me. Yet our Father desires that we be in unity and fellowship with one another.

Be blessed, friends! Read your Bibles, since it means Life and Love and Wisdom and Salvation for you!🙂

My Dearest Heavenly Father, take my punk heart and change me into a punkin. Be extravagantly praised for all You do with my small life as a worm in the dust. You have my whole heart broken though it may be. Your will be done above all I ask, in the name of Jesus who saves, Amen.

Day 139/226: On a wing and a prayer

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"The Lord executes righteousness And justice for all who are oppressed."
Psalms 103:6 NKJV

Heavenly Father, Your face do I seek. Only You will sustain me. I will submit to You, O God, no matter what You require. If you want the hard place to be harder, I will make my place in the Cleft of the Rock! If You want the desert to be drier, I will drink You in, my Rain. If You wish for the lonely place to be lonelier, I will become even more available to You. If You have my phone to be silent because none press into me, then I will make silence my friend. If You allow my daughters to become children of the night, then I only ask that You first cause them to hunger and thirst hard for righteousness and holiness so that they begin to search You out unquenchably and second that You draw them into Yourself. Do not hide Your face from us long, but come to us and let us be near You, Father because You are all we have. I welcome anything You allow, but remind my enemy that You made me from a young age to always do well with tests. I will not deny You if that’s his goal. No, if this is where You want me then I will be here, on my knees, and from here will I praise You. From down on the floor, I will raise my hands to You and sing Your praise. If You will not allow me praise but even scorn so that I feel utterly despised, I will still direct others toward giving You praise. I am about You and You only. My heart is wholly Yours. Always. Yes, sir. I will submit. I exalt You for Your holy ways and righteous acts! I praise You for Who You are! If all I end up with is God, then I have Everything. Your will be done, Lord, in the powerful name of Jesus, Amen.

Day 135/230 to go: Update

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I have changed the frequency of posts for my blog now that I am working full time. I could still post daily and would; however, it serves little purpose. I will now post approximately weekly, as God leads.

I am still on Pause from dating, sex, soda, and anything else as God leads me to fast. God has not allowed me to fail in any of those fasts. I am so thankful for that! I have failed in other ways. I err often, because as I say, I am like a cactus. God is doing so much work on my character during this time. Besides the tongue, which may be long term, we are currently working on obedience. He has caused me to become very obedient to Him.

Highlights from the week:

Day 129 – Sept. 15th (from fb post)
So guess what my Heavenly Father did today!!!!!! Who has four BRAND NEW tires on her car???? God’s own little desert cactus, yes, me!! God provided 2 MORE new tires for me today thru my daddy. YES, God can even move them kinda mountains! Praise God with me!!!!! Glory, glory Hallelujah!!!! My God is not made of wood or metal! He’s ALIVE AND REAL!!!! I do not serve myself, I serve the One True God! He alone is worthy of praise!!! He gave me what I needed!!!! Ha! I love Him! He is my Delight!!!

Day 131 – Sept. 17th (from fb post)
I was just now crying in Kroger… Just for a minute. And I looked up and saw another lady crying. She looked like she was in pain. I walked over to her and said "You’re crying in Kroger, and I’m crying in Kroger. If I give you a hug, will you give me one? " So we hugged. I started praying the minute I started hugging her of course.
Then she said, "Are you crying because you lost a friend?" I said, "no, but I have cried about that recently." (Her friend died tho.) She said, "Then why are you crying?" I said, "I just can’t pay my phone bill so it’s nothing at all like what you’re dealing with!" She said, "how much is it?" So I told her the price of my refill card. She said, "l’ll pay it, because you don’t know how bad I needed that hug!" And after I tried to talk her out of it, we went to the register.
THIS is what my Father does!!!!! HALLELUJAH! Praise my Father whom I obey! He is Love!!!🙂

Day 132 – Sept. 18th (post from fb below my note below.)
[My 17 year old, the youngest, ran away from home but texted to say where she was and that she loved me after she got to her friend's.]
I’ve been the worst sinner and my religion is useless, because of my failings as a mother!!!! I feel so alone right now, and I’m in deep anguish. Could someone please pray for me?

Day 134 – Sept. 20th (editing fb post)
[I drove 3 hours away for the weekend to get my oldest daughter and bring her back to move back home (since she had a wreck weeks before and her truck was totaled) . On the way back, last night we stopped at Walmart. When we got back in the car, it wouldn't shift into gear so I couldn't leave to head back 3 hours to home.]
So word is…. my transmission may be shot….:/
That was the weekend’s third major crisis…. What do I have to say?
God is Sovereign. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." Job 13:something.
I trust You, Lord, even if my car never runs again! Let me praise You for Your goodness! Let me sing to You! Hear me love You! You are my Joy and my Hope! You are always good! Thank You for sending the righteous to surround me! Thank You for hearing my prayers! Thank you for forgiveness when I was acting ugly! Thank You for sending me peace at that moment! I love You merry much!

Until I blog again, be blessed, friends! I pray the God of Heaven meets your every need and sustains you in the name of Jesus.

"This is what the Sovereign Lord , the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."
Isaiah 30:15 NIV

Sweetest Heaven’s Dew, my Rain, my Refreshment, I look to You for everything! I have only one Hope and it’s You! You are my Help! If someone gives me an opportunity to trim hedges, I know it is provision from Heaven! Lord, no other is before You! I give You first spot and best seat! You’re amazing! The first Words I hear each morning are Yours and the first words I speak, I say to YOU, my Favorite One! God, You are my Favorite! I long for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water. You are the Rain! Thank You for meeting all my needs and helping me and having people pray for me and giving me good things from Heaven! Righteous Judge, please give me wisdom for raising teens or don’t make me live with them. Lord, be magnified in this blog whatever its purpose may be. Have Your will in all things that concern me, Majesty! I ask confidently in the name of Christ, Amen!

127/238: The Tongue: Reckless & Foolish Words

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Preface: I have two Bible apps and neither is functioning properly offline. I’m going to hand type from my NIV, since it lays open well, and I apologize for typos in advance! (Also my version of NIV is not always the same as what I find elsewhere for some reason.) 

As we study to find how to conquer the tongue, we find that there are many Scriptures on the speech of the foolish. Must be important! Here are some:

"A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor,
But the man of understanding holds his tongue." Proverbs 11:12 NIV

"Reckless words pierce like a sword,
But the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18 NIV

"He who guards his lips guards his life,
But he who speaks rashly will come to ruin." Proverbs 13:3 NIV

"A fool’s talk brings a rod to his back,
But the lips of the wise protect them." Proverbs 14:3 NIV

"The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
But the mouth of the fool gushes folly." Proverbs 15:2 NIV

"A wise man’s heart guides his mouth,
And his lips promote instruction." Proverbs 16:23 NIV

I find the Proverbs so helpful for growing in wisdom and understanding! I try to read a chapter of Proverbs daily to match the date when I can. (For example, on the 8th, I try to read Proverbs 8.) Proverbs shows us that we are not to be foolish but wise. It then paints a portrait of each one–the wise man and the fool. I hope these verses help someone.

Friends, when I start work I may not have time to post daily. Do not be concerned if I miss a day or two. We shall see how things go. I pray God will show me whether to blog daily, as often as I can, or weekly. He will lead me. Be blessed!

Holy & Righteous Father, what an amazing day I had! I delight in worshipping You corporately but today the man near me in church was such a blessing as we praised You together with our hands lifted high and our genuine joy and delight in Your Presence so similar! I have no idea who he was, but I want one! I can’t wait to have a godly husband like that to worship with and study Your Word with and pray with and everything! Maybe he was only an angel sent for my encouragement, but I loved that experience! I love being near the righteous! There is nothing like Your Kingdom! You fascinate me and You sustain me! You feed my strong curiosity with good things! You lead me like a Good Father! I am in awe of You and Your ways! I’m running for You, God! I’m longing for You, My Own! I want to see Your face, Your Honor! I am so impressed with how You answered so many prayers for my friend, Matthew, and I know that You are helping my friend, Sondra, also! You had me take a friend to church today and a family was reunited! And I cannot take any credit at all! You’re amazing and wonderful!! Be lifted up, Redeemer! You’ve set me free! I’m no longer a slave to fear, because I am a child of God! I’m a daughter of the King! And I don’t want the wealth of any kingdom but Yours which abounds in love and mercy!! I want to run and jump into a pile of love drops! I want to jump into Your arms and swing from Your arms! I want to kiss Your cheeks a million times and make You giggle when I tickle Your face with my long hair! You are the Rock of my Salvation! I’m standing on Christ, the Solid Rock! The Rock won’t move, and His Word is strong! Your love can’t be undone! I am holding fast to You! You are mine and I am Yours! All I have is in You! All I am is Yours! If I am foolish, I will be a fool for You, God! Take my life, it is Yours to do with as You will! I trust You, Heavenly Father! Glory to Your Name! Have Your will in this blog. Bless and help all the faithful readers in Jesus’ name, Amen. (This is the Sept. 13th post.)

125/240: technical difficulties

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Well, it updated today and apparently the YouVersion Bible app now requires an Internet connection right when I ran out of data a week early. Phooey. Or else I’m just having technical difficulties…

So I will have to download a translation on my new Bible Gateway app.

"My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart." Proverbs 7:10 NIV (hand-typed and auto correct would drive me nuts if I did more than this! Haha)

Dearest Father,
Please speak with Your faithful children at YouVersion who make so many things possible for so many, and please have them make the Bible app available to the poor who cannot afford a daily Internet connection but still need the Word.
Sincerely and in the name of Jesus,
Yours truly,

124/241: good news today

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Today my mind is elsewhere, because I received a SECOND job offer before starting my job Monday!! And the second offer comes with the pay I requested AND the schedule I need for my family!!! It is actually an answer to prayers!! So so so much prayer!! HALLELUJAH! Thank God!!! Praise Him with me!!! I start next week!

"Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God! Take the glory! the honor! the power! You created it all; It was created because you wanted it."
Revelation 4:11 MSG

Father Who Loves Me, Thank You for answering our prayers for a FT daytime job to provide for my family! You are wonderful! You sustained the widow and the fatherless when we had no help! You were my Help!! Your mercy is everlasting! You receive all the honor and glory and praise!! You were my closest friend thru it all and You never left me! Some days You were my only friend, and You are not ashamed of me as I am not ashamed of You! Bless You, Lord, for all You have done for me! Thank You! My spirit is renewed! Receive my praises in the name of Jesus, Amen! (This is the Sept. 10th post.)

123/242: The Tongue: Slander & Gossip

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"Let not a slanderer be established in the earth; Let evil hunt the violent man to overthrow him."
Psalms 140:11 NKJV

God has really seared this part of the above verse into my heart over the past few months! And so we see that slander is violent in God’s eyes, right? He speaks against gossip the same. I may have too many Scriptures to share! Forgive me, but my love for the Word gets the best of me sometimes.🙂

"The mouth of the righteous is a well of life, But violence covers the mouth of the wicked.
Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins.
Wisdom is found on the lips of him who has understanding, But a rod is for the back of him who is devoid of understanding.
Wise people store up knowledge, But the mouth of the foolish is near destruction."
Proverbs 10:11-14 NKJV

"Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, And whoever spreads slander is a fool.
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.
The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; The heart of the wicked is worth little.
The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of wisdom."
Proverbs 10:18-21 NKJV

"The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, But the perverse tongue will be cut out. The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable, But the mouth of the wicked what  is perverse."
Proverbs 10:31-32 NKJV

"The hypocrite with his mouth destroys his neighbor, But through knowledge the righteous will be delivered.
When it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices; And when the wicked perish, there  is jubilation.
By the blessing of the upright the city is exalted, But it is overthrown by the mouth of the wicked. He who is devoid of wisdom despises his neighbor, But a man of understanding holds his peace.
A talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter."
Proverbs 11:9-13 NKJV

"nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
1 Corinthians 6:10 NIV

"They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."
Romans 1:29-32 NIV

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."
Titus 2:3-5 NIV

"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.  At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,"
Titus 3:1-5 NIV

Therefore, sisters, it is clear to me that slander and gossip are violent, evil acts of hatred and malice. And we are to be vessels of love and kindness and gentleness! We know the lesson He taught me on how to pray for believers. If we speak ill of one believer to others, will the Lord really believe we want what we ask for them in our prayers to Him, the God Who Knows All?:/

And what do we do if someone slanders us? The answer in the verses below is again blessing and kindness! In dealing with some people, it will surely require God’s indwelling Spirit, won’t it? Haha Yet we can do it! And we must! For this is how we are known as His and how others might be saved because of our example: if we shine bright with LOVE! Be ye blessed!🙂

"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."
1 Corinthians 4:12-13 NIV

Oh Good Father, I want to be like You are! I want to be sweet and kind and gentle! I don’t want to be like our enemies or like a cactus. They hurt people. And even if they hurt me, I know you can fill me with love to respond kindly and it could mean some meanie converting to a true believer! My words make the difference between life and death for those around me. How sobering! Guard my mouth, Lord! Let me not be a slanderer if you hate slander. Let me be goodness and light and blessings and wonderful things like You! Let the surrender of my tongue to You and Your will bring life for many and blessings and hope! Be exalted in my life, and let my kingdoms fall. I don’t want what I want, I want what You want for me. It’s surely way better! Be magnified in whatever You make out of me. I doubt myself, but I don’t doubt Your ability! You can do wonderful, mighty things even with a JarJar Binks like me! Okay maybe some days I’m a Darth Vader! Even so! I’m completely Yours, Lord! You have my whole heart! I’m enamored of you! Lord, I long for You! Don’t tarry when I need You so! Come to me? You’re my Most Special Friend, my Redeemer, my Love, my Hope, my Everything! I exalt Your Name and I lift You up! I praise You for all the works Your fingers do! I’m smiling at You, because I have so much love for You! You are my Joy and my Delight! You will never abandon me! Thank You! Bless the faithful bloggers who read this post, and help them with their own issues if it is not the tongue. Help them in every way in the Name of Your Son who delivers hope, Jesus, Amen! (This is the Sept. 9th post.)

122/243: The Tongue: Shun Quarrels

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So we’ve covered quarrels a bit, but the Lord must know I think some quarreling is fun. Yet He is Lord so I must conform to His shaping.🙂 So He is showing me this lesson more in depth. (I pray it only takes this one extra lesson………. I know me so I’m skeptical of that.)

"Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen."
2 Timothy 2:14 NIV

I saw at first that it says, "no quarreling," but now I wonder what "words" they mean… Could they mean translations of Scripture? Haha Surely I’m wrong. Who knows? I’m only learning not to quarrel. Yet I know a few verses ahead of this, it says, "But God’s Word is not chained." So I think if He wants to allow multiple versions of His Word to exist then surely it must have passed through Him first. As for quarreling, it says, "it ruins" the listeners.

"Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly. Their teaching will spread like gangrene…"
2 Timothy 2:16-17 NIV

Seems self explanatory… Yet… Godless chatter… I wonder what is classified as such….

"Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will."
2 Timothy 2:22-26 NIV

I see now that I should avoid "foolish and stupid arguments," since "they produce quarrels." And then He teaches me that if I want to be the Lord’s servant, I must somehow be kind to whom??? Everyone!? Oh grace! Mercy! I don’t know how apart from His Strength, but surely He can bring that about even in me.

I do know something about the phrase, "able to teach," because I’m still a substitute teacher. [Though I ask that you pray that God provides a daytime job offer this week. He's working on something!] People will not listen or learn if they are mad at me. Think about it. If you’re mad at your mom, you shut down and won’t hear. Same with your pastor, with your mate, your sibling, and even with God. Right? If someone is mad at me, I won’t be able to teach them until we reconcile. And after… It says I must "gently instruct."

And "not resentful"? Well, I confess that if I start thinking no one cares about me (boo hoo) or if ONE person hurts my feelings, I struggle to pray that night for ANYONE else (outside my family) at all. I’m such a child! Aren’t I?! I must mature! Truly! I will have to think about how to do this. Maybe I must consecrate myself anew just to endeavor such surrender. Be blessed, friends!

Beautiful Father, I saw a Scripture today that talked about the works Your fingers do, and it made me want to see Your hands and touch them! I want Your hand to touch my head and muss my hair! I want to hold Your hand and walk with You. I miss You, and I want to see Your face. I’m so glad that You’re showing me and so many others that Jesus is coming soon, because I can’t wait! It’s gonna be great to be so close to You and see Your face! You’re great and greatly to be praised! No god of wood or metal can compete with such a Being as You, such a Force of Good! Help them have more time, those who will still come to You, Father. But know that I long for You, Straight One, Light Keeper, Truth Keeper, Guardian of All! Scoop me up, Maker, and run with me and sing with me now. Be near, O God, and hear my prayers. Be with the bloggers Cinthia Lesly, Rob Barkman, the Mustard Seed Missionary, and Unshakable Hope and meet their every need blessing them for their faithful support of my blog. Come away with me now, Most Special Father, but first be magnified in this jumble of words in a blog, in the name of Jesus, I ask, Amen. (This is the September 8th post.)

Days 120 & 121: The Tongue: Silence Observed

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Day 120/245: I spent the day in silence from midnight to midnight. I planned to not speak, text, write, journal, blog, or even click Like on any social networks.🙂

Day 121/244: I will discuss my day of silence. I have a child (teenager) living at home so it was impractical to assume I would not communicate with her on this day so I allowed myself to use hand signs and sign language.

The first thing I figured out is that I talk to myself more than I realized. Haha The second is that my daughter, K, knows nothing of sign language so that was comical.🙂

Here is a list of what I said, because I am not well acclimated to silence:

12:48 AM: "Nnno." (to myself)
1:42 AM: "Yeah." (to myself)
11:26 AM: "Nope." (to myself)
2:44 PM: "Emergency Room please…. I’m looking for my daughter, E.. [Zooms], she was in a wreck…No one? Okay, thank you."
7:18 PM: "Utsage, Ut-sage." (pronouncing a word)
9:42 PM: "What?" (to my daughter, caught off guard)

So I said 5-6 words by mistake. (I am not counting my daughter’s emergency as obviously that was more important. I also allowed K to post on my Facebook requesting prayer for my other daughter yet we didn’t follow that post. Of course an emergency will come along in the middle of such things, right?!  And yes my other daughter, E, is okay. It was her friend in the ER and someone misunderstood but both girls are fine.) Also, I didn’t play music all day, because I knew it would only tempt me.

Here is what I think I learned: not a cotton-pickin’ thang! Just nothing… Maybe I didn’t do it right. I was sick so it was tough to read and tough to concentrate. I don’t know. I tried hard to listen.

And normally my teenager doesn’t have time for me, but this day she was on me like white on rice. I don’t know why. Haha

I looked up silence since I wasn’t hearing anything and was reminded of this Scripture, which made me cry:

"Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church."
I Corinthians 14:34-35 NKJV

I didn’t cry, because of anything regarding obeying the Scripture. I cried, because I reminded God that I don’t have a husband to teach me at home so how can I learn? I will remain silent at church, but I want so much to have a husband for teaching me! I want a husband for this maybe more than for any other reason sometimes. Of course closeness and love is more important always, but maybe this is second.

I apologize if you were hoping for great spiritual revelation, but I probably did it wrong just like I made so many mistakes the first period of time I fasted from food during this Pause. I became so ill yet God rewarded my zeal and effort in spite of that. He answered prayers left and right, and He showed me several things in that time. However, in the silence I only learned that I am made for expression, which I knew.

Heavenly Father, thank You for giving me a tongue to praise You! That is what I missed most of all: telling people how wonderful You are even though I prayed it silently to You. Lord, I surrender to You in all things. Help me learn what it means to be still. Help me be pleasing to You since people do not have need of me. Use me. Teach me Your will, Your ways, and help me walk in them. Help me in every way. Bless the faithful few who follow my blog and meet their every need in Jesus’ name I pray, Amen. (This is the September 7th post.)

119/246: The Tongue: Complaining & Disputing vs. Edifying & Loving

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As I continue to grow and mature in my Christian walk, I have found that my biggest flaw was the way I used my tongue. In focusing on it in Celebrate Recovery, which is a Bible-based, Christ-centered 12-step recovery program, I hope to improve myself with much help from my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, the only True Higher Power. And I am doing a "step study," which helps me dig deep into the root of the problem.

In studying in my personal time, however, God led me to some Scriptures. In these verses, I see that complaining, grumbling, and fault finding are types of negative speaking that God’s Word calls ungodly.

"These are grumblers, complainers, walking according to their own lusts; and they mouth great swelling words, flattering people to gain advantage."
Jude 1:16 NKJV

"But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life."
Jude 1:20-21 NKJV

These two sections of Scripture are a fluid part of the same discussion from Jude, who is thought to be Jesus’ own half brother. So the first section says this kind of speech is ungodly, and the second says this is what you should do instead. Don’t do this, do this. Easy enough. Hear this also…

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Yes, and if I am being poured out as  a  drink  offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me."
Philippians 2:14-18 NKJV

This Scripture also indicates we should not complain or get into disputes, but instead do what? Be glad and rejoice! Be blameless and harmless.

"This is a faithful saying, and these things I want you to affirm constantly, that those who have believed in God should be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable to men. But avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and useless. Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned."
Titus 3:8-11 NKJV

So here’s the bad: grumbling, complaining, fault finding, mouthing great swelling words, flattering for self advantage, disputing, avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and striving, etc.

Here’s the good list: building up others aka edifying, praying, keeping yourselves in love, looking for mercy, shine, holding fast the Word of Life, become blameless and harmless, be glad, rejoice, maintain good works, etc.

And to add to the good list, let’s not forget LOVE! We know that we are nothing without love and by it we are known as His! He says we are to love one another!

Forgive me if my writing is not well presented tonight as I am still ill. Please note that I have decided to see what will happen if I observe a day of silence tomorrow. So tomorrow I will not speak, text, write, journal, blog, or even make notes for being understood! I will most likely last about 15 minutes! Haha Truly! We shall see how God will sustain me and see what He shall do! Maybe nothing. Maybe I will just learn how much I really like expressing myself!🙂 Be blessed!

Gracious Father, accomplish Your will for my life in spite of me, Your little cactus. Mostly be glorified in my life and in my surrender as obstinate as I am. Take me. Use me. Hold me while I’m silent tomorrow. I give myself wholly to You while the world could care less what I do. I do this for You and to see what You can do through me. Be praised in the name of Jesus who saves, Amen!

118/247: The Tongue: Use Sparingly

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"The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm. Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they’re smart."
Proverbs 17:27-28 MSG

This is a lesson I cannot teach! Haha I have not yet learned the lesson of using words sparingly or remaining silent. I know the Word of God, however, is living and active and ALIVE so that it can accomplish this for me and for you! I know He gives me the impression He will teach me this lesson (again) soon in a way that I can gain the understanding of its importance.

Since I’m not well tonight and have a cold, I will close now and appear to have used my words sparingly for the purpose of this post.🙂

Wise Father, Almighty God, Your fame and renown is far greater than any other! Even greater than the People’s Pope who is so dearly loved by many Catholics. You are my only Father and Jesus my only Mediator! Yet as I watched the Pope on television, I realized how excited Your children will be to see YOU! I cannot wait, Father of My Heart! You are higher than any other! You are holier than any man! You are greater than all Your creation! Your fame goes out into all the earth! No one compares to You! I know You won’t share Your glory and no man can bear the tasks and works that You do! I’m so grateful that I don’t have to travel down the road to talk to my God and I don’t have to have another Go-between since Jesus does that for me! Hallelujah!! I can read Your Words directly for myself!! You are such a Personal God and so near me!! I can pray to You in my own home or my car or anywhere!!!! Praise God! Hallelujah!!!!!! Bless Your people who honor You alone! Your Name is Great and Greatly to be praised! Receive my praise, Father! In Jesus’ Name, I ask, Amen!

117/248: Early night

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Tonight I had Bible study then cooked a late supper, ate too much, and now I just want sleep. So I’m just posting a Scripture. Be blessed!🙂

“A little that a righteous man has Is better than the riches of many wicked.”
Psalms 37:16 NKJV

Oh Father, if I didn’t have Your love, I would perish. Thank You for balancing Your correction with affirmation. Thank You for accepting me always and no matter what! Thank You for loving me! Make me new, and make me like You! In Jesus name, Amen.

116/249: The Tongue: Pray Love

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Okay I’ve been thinking through this for a week maybe, and I have mentioned God showing me this. And tonight I’m ready to get into it.

If we list the attributes of God and the characteristics of the enemy, we can certainly see stark contrast in each.

God is: Light, love, truth, gracious, good, compassionate, mercy, just, forthright, positive, patient, righteous, holy, faithful, forgiving, ever-present, warm, gentle, kind, attentive, careful, wonderful, longsuffering, etc.

Our enemy, the evil one is: deceitful, hateful, mean, bad, wrong, accusatory, secretive, evil, unholy, negative, shameful, unfaithful, neglectful, harsh, cold, distant, aloof, wicked, etc.

So if God says, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another," then shouldn’t we always behave toward one another in love and in loving ways following the same list of characteristics of God? Meaning: Shouldn’t I be longsuffering toward my brothers and sisters in Christ? Shouldn’t we be attentive one to another? I believe so.

Therefore, it stands to reason that when I speak of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I should not be accusatory toward them lest I appear to be like the Accuser of the brethren, right? I wouldn’t want to speak unkindly or negatively of them, right? If I do, am I not following after the ways of the evil one? Shouldn’t I align myself with the way God speaks of the righteous?

If you agree so far, then what of my prayers for them? Certainly, small children and new Christians will pray in whatever way they can grasp at first. However, shouldn’t we work toward maturity in our speech and in our prayers? I believe so.

If I should mature to the place where even in my prayers to the Holy God, I dare not speak evil of my brothers and sisters in Christ, then surely He would be more pleased with my prayers altogether. Correct? Surely if my prayers resound with love and holiness and kindness and patience and gentleness, then surely the Father will be exceedingly pleased to hear such loving words about His own children! And will He not then want to quickly move to help them in all the requests I ask of Him on their behalf? Shouldn’t I pray love? I reckon it should be so. After all, He is Love and He wants me to reflect His nature back to Him.🙂

The way that He taught me this lesson was under the most painful duress after I spoke negatively of one of my own closest and dear friends in a prayer which I shared with the friend. My friend forgave me and has no idea how God worked on me after. However, God’s hand was heavy upon me all the day long correcting me for it so that I sobbed and weeped and cried out for forgiveness on the floor prostrate before God for hours! And I hated that I surely had hurt my friend desperately, but I didn’t hear from them for most of the day!! I cried for them and the pain I caused, and I begged God not to take the friendship away! God heard my cries and didn’t deal with me as I deserved. My friend was busy all that day and remains clueless. But God has shown me all the details of why it was so wrong, besides just plain mean, over the past month or so. (It wasn’t so long ago.) And I only just now have the full picture. All the more, I must mature!

So whose child will I be? The Accuser’s follower? Or a Child of the Father of the Heavenly Lights? A Child of God? Or a Child of Evil? A Disciple of Love? Or a Perpetrator of Hate?

After I got my heavenly butt whooping, I went through my intercessory prayer journal and scribbled out anything where I was trying to tell God how bad His children were and how many character flaws He needed to work out of them. I only pray for such things now if they themselves ask something such as, "pray I have patience with my kids, Kelly" etc. I no longer try to accuse the brethren before the Father.

Additionally, in my time in the Prayer Room at church, alone one night, I came across a prayer request submitted by a 10 year old girl asking, "pray my sister starts telling the truth!" I laughed!! Aren’t we like that! And that’s when I saw it was a matter of maturity. This is something to work toward as we mature, don’t you think? Be blessed, Children of God!🙂

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.  By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 13:34-35 NKJV

Oh Father, where are Youuu? I’m calling to You, Special DaddyGod! Come to me now and talk with me? I want to be with You and love on You! You are my Liberator and my Righteousness, and You break my chains of bondage so I can sing to You! I raise my hands to You, because I want to be near You and I worship You! You are so high and holy! No one is like You, Straight One! You’re so prettiful, DaddyGod and You surround me with songs! You fill my world with flowers and pretty meadows and quiet places where I can talk with You! You put tiny green frogs in my window to remind me You made kool things for me and You to enjoy! I want to see Your face! I want to be close to You and play hallelujah games with You! I’m running to You! Catch me! Don’t let me fall, Father! You know I want to come Home to You, because no one here hardly needs me. But I will remain until You send for me. I miss You and long for You in a dry and weary land where there is no water!

Surround me with holy people to encourage me, Father, because I want to learn more about You and delight in You with others! Let us dance together as a family! Let me find others who seek Your heart and worship You hard!! Thank you for teaching me, Father! You’re so gracious and compassionate, and I want to be like You! I want to sound like You sound! I want to reflect You! Wouldn’t there be peace on earth if more people behaved like You, Father God?! Haha Truly! And surely no more world hunger! Make me not be such a cactus like my earthly father, but instead change me to be like an Oasis in the desert, like You, Good Father! Make me refreshing and loving and such a blessing! Do it for Your glory and Your praise! All I have is Yours! I am obedient to You continually! I am surrendered completely and fully to You for the sake of Your great Name! Please help Sondra from my church who had surgery yesterday and is in such great pain today! Be near her, God! Send agents of mercy all around her! Tendermercies, I pray for her! Hear my prayers and receive my praises since You love me and since I ask all in the name of Jesus who saves, Amen! (This is the Sept. 2nd post.)

115/250: I have a new grandma! :)

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Brothers & sisters, guess what!! We’ve been liberated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is Bethel Music singers singing, No Longer Slaves, the song to which lately I worship like a fool in the car! And now the band at church is doing it too! Woo! Hallelujah! Love it!

I don’t have time to post much tonight, because (I contacted my church for the name of some widows to visit and) today I spent so much time with one!! We didn’t want to stop talking! We’re gonna do her kitchen over! I’m excited! She’s 81!! Praise God!

This is why I went to visit her: Obedience to this Scripture…

"Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."
James 1:27 NKJV

Sweetness of Heaven, Pure Justice & Light, thank You for Ms. Mabel! Thank You for teaching me from Your Word through my friends! Accomplish Your goodwill on earth and even use me, a cactus devoted to You wholeheartedly with abandon! Help me guard my thoughts as Ms. Mabel advised so that my words will be kept in check. YOU are Perfection, and soon every knee will bow and every tongue confess that You, Jesus, are Lord! In the name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen!

114/251: The Tongue: Its Power

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Preface: I have not said before, but I do not teach men. I know what Scripture says, and I obey it. I say "friends" (but often think "sisters"), because I know that men will also see this. My writings in this blog should be taken as my curiosities and hungerings for knowledge and not for spouting of knowledge or pontificating, etc.

We make decisions everyday. Words must be chosen carefully. We are told in the Scriptures that we will give an account for idle words. However, if we try to live by the Words in the Scriptures below, shouldn’t we choose to speak life and control our tongues?

I’ve heard old people say things like, "My knees are killing me!" Or a young mom say, "My kids will be the death of me!" Any of us may say, "Oh I have a bad memory!" People say such things everyday…. We think nothing of it. But what if we are speaking death instead of life? What if agents (angels and demons) in the spiritual realm wait to carry out whatever words we speak? I know so little, but I think this Scripture tells us something important. What if this is truly the case? How would our speech differ?!

What would Jesus do? WWJD, right? Or rather, what did Jesus speak? He spoke life. He spoke healing. He spoke love. Father Abraham spoke blessings over His children, as did Isaac and Jacob. The Word says (if we obey Him), "You are blessed coming in and blessed going out. You are blessed in the city and blessed in the country." Etcetera and so forth. So what should we speak? What if it really, really matters??!!

I am a tiny speck of dust in God’s wide world and know so little, but I took this to heart because a mentor cautioned me about it years ago or I heard it in a sermon or something. I think it’s a big deal…. So much that I changed my speech habits.

Recently I was struggling with my memory and realized I was speaking death over my brain by saying, "I can’t remember anything! I have a terrible memory!" Well, that is actually completely untrue. I have an excellent memory! I can remember my very first boyfriend’s phone number, all my friends’ kids’ names for prayer, and tons of Scripture! So God showed me that I had believed a lie. Instead of saying that, I started saying, "Let me remember. Just a moment." or "He has given me a sound mind." And my mind has improved and my memory has expanded!

Even if you want to believe that is just incidental, consider the implications of the verse. In proverbs there is wisdom. Wisdom tells me that this is important. [I only believe I have wisdom, because I believe the Word of God is true and does not return void. He says, "Ask for wisdom and do not doubt and you shall have it." (paraphrase of James 1) I asked, I didn't doubt, I keep asking, He has most likely not given me a stone instead.] We all choose for ourselves how we must live.

So if "the power of life and death is in the tongue," let me choose life!! Let me not spew poison! Friends, be blessed!

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit."
Proverbs 18:21 NKJV

And again but differently:

"Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose."
Proverbs 18:21 MSG

"If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless."
James 1:26 NKJV

"My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment. For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It  is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh."
James 3:1-12 NKJV

Sweet Mercy, Goodest, All-Wise Father, who is like You???? Nerry a soul! No one compares to You! You’re in a league of Your own so far that no one even knows the name of Your league or how to get there! You are gracious and compassionate when all around us is meanness and hurtful! You are loving when all else is hatred! You keep things in good, working order while our enemy sows chaos and discord and disunity! In You all things hold together! I find such peace in that Scripture! Be exalted, Holy One! Be lifted higher than all Your beautiful creation! You are clothed in splendor and majesty! You surround Yourself with light as with a garment! You do good things! All Your ways are wonderful and peace! Your purposes are always good! You are pure and holy! You are Greater than all others! You will not share Your glory with another!!! All is done by Your hand and I see You initiate all good that is done in the world! Be blessed, Your Highness! I kiss Your hand and bless You! I extol You! I give You the proper reverence!

You give good things from Your hand! You teach us how to live! You show us great and mighty things which we know not of! Your Words heal, inspire, build up, give life, promote goodwill toward men, and generally do good and not harm! Let our words be like Your words! Let us be like You! Elevate us to be more loving and holier still so that many will see and know Jesus saves!!!! Have Your will in all things that concern me! Please be with my friend from Bible study, Sondra, in her surgery tomorrow and meet her every need! Hear blogger cinthialesly’s prayers and bless her & the three gentlemen who faithfully like my blog! Be compassionate toward those who are compassionate toward me, your bent reed and smallest daughter.

Father, You know I’m a tiny baby here, but alone I pray like a lion! You’re my Own! I ask You with confidence many things for many people, because I know You just want someone to ask! I will ask You small things, and I will ask You for great things for others! I think asking You for a godly husband is a great thing, so big, like a miracle, and I feel the same about You making me a missionary with a husband! I know You put it in my heart to ask, because You are the Initiator of All Good Things! It doesn’t come from me surely. No one thinks my ideas are all that good. Haha But I will ask my DaddyGod so He can show off and make His Name be greatly known!! Hallelujah! Be praised, Straight One! I love You, Father! Thank You for sending Jesus!!! I ask believing You hear me and ask in the name of the Messiah, Jesus, Amen!

113/252: The Tongue: Pleasant & Gracious Words

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I’ve been heavily discouraged over the past week or so, because of the correction of others and a lack of encouragement. I didn’t realize why I was so discouraged when I know that I’m not being disobedient to God, and I wondered why He was allowing me to feel crushed by the words of others. Tonight I’ve realized what He must be doing!

Am I not positioning myself to conquer my tongue lately? Yes! And He is showing me all these Scriptures that show the power of the tongue! I’ve studied them all hard for years, but now is the time!

He is also letting me wear the discouragement that comes from much correction and idle words. (Should we not be cautious about correcting others who are not our children or those who have given us authority over them?) He is afflicting me with the weight the misused, incautious tongue brings. From so many directions it comes too! Mercy!

Aha! Well I’m glad to know why!!!! Hallelujah! Let me be afflicted so I may learn Your ways and learn caution and peace and righteousness! Let me be taught by my God! Hallelujah!

"Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."
Proverbs 16:24 NKJV

Oh Sweetest, Most Gracious Heavenly Father, let me be afflicted to learn Your way of speaking! I submit myself to You to learn to speak pleasant and gracious words! I submit myself to You to make my tongue Your tool! Make my words pleasant and gracious! Make my words sweet to the soul! Make my words healing to the bones! I give myself over to You for Your correction and training! For Your Words are pleasant to me! Your Words are sweetness to my soul! Your Words are healing to my bones! Make me like You! Cause my tongue to be used in mighty ways for Your Kingdom! Let my words and my tongue take Your Word far into the darkness and shine forth Your Light! Heal Your people thru me! I submit myself to You for whatever You want to accomplish thru me!

I see so many pressed down and crushed by the enemy, Lord! Move to hear our prayers, Gracious One! Let us be changed and healed and helped by Your Grace! Let us experience victory daily instead of defeat! Let Your people not be oppressed by our enemy, but let Your people be healed and changed and well and let us rise up to praise the Healer!

Majesty, be exalted! Be lifted up, King Jesus! Let Your Name be greatly praised here among us! Our King is among us! We lift Your Name, Jesus! We worship You, Jesus! We lift You up! Be magnified in the praises of Your people! Be exalted! You are Beautiful to us! You are holy and magnificent! I long to see Your face! King Jesus, let me see Your face! Dance around, Father, in our high praises that we offer to You for Your good pleasure! Be pleased with us! Delight in us, Good One! Sing over us, Exalted One! Dance in delight at the obedience of Your children who praise You and love You! I love You, Master! I love You, my God, my Lord, my Maker, my Husband, my Friend, my Savior! You are my Hope! You are my Everything!

I will sing Your song! You are my Song! What You sing, I sing! What you pray, I pray! Where You go, I go! Whom You love, I love! I’m following You so closely! Scoop me up and swing me around! Let me feel Your close love! Be near me, Sweetest Father! You are mine! And I am Yours! I love no one more than I love You! Have everything. I’m Yours and I give You everything I have and all that I am! I have so little, but I’m in Your hands! And I wanna see Your face! You are my God! I am cuddling close to You for everything! I’m listening, Teacher! Almighty God, do wonders so that I can see more about You! Know me. Let me know You more! I need You more!

Thank You for encouraging me today by telling me that You delight in me and that You are singing over me! Be blessed by my words to You also in Jesus’ name, Amen! And hear the whole first prayer that got deleted and save it at Home til I get there, Father! You liked it, didn’t You!? Amen! (This is the Aug. 29th post.)

112/253: Speaking the Words of God

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"For He whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God does not give the Spirit by measure."
John 3:34 NKJV

Dearest Father in Heaven, let me be sent and let me speak the words of God so that lives may be changed by the power of Jesus who came to save us. My words fall short, but Your Word is living and active and MOVES in hearts! Accomplish Your work in this blog and bless its readers especially those who comment in Jesus name amen!

111/254: He Must Increase, I Must Decrease

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I want you to know how glad I am that it’s me sitting here in this jail and not you. There’s a lot of suffering to be entered into in this world—the kind of suffering Christ takes on. I welcome the chance to take my share in the church’s part of that suffering. When I became a servant in this church, I experienced this suffering as a sheer gift, God’s way of helping me serve you, laying out the whole truth.
Colossians 1:24-25 MSG

Dearest Father, I have no other gods before You. I am not here to serve man but You only! I am so glad that You have allowed me to be afflicted in these ways, because it makes me pray and pray harder and when I have no one else around to pray fervently more. Today I know I have not prayed like I should, and I missed You! But You do all this work, and I just get to join You! I’m so glad You let me go to work with You, Father! I love helping You do Your work! I know not many read my blog even though it shoots out to my 900 Facebook friends daily, but I don’t think You waste anything so let there be a purpose even in this. Since I really feel You have all the good ideas and that even this one came from You too, I will obey You by continuing. Thank You for encouragement enough for today!

God, I’m always happy with You; it’s people I struggle with often!! But since You say You want me to love them, I will and I will love hard. Be most glorified Father and let Your name be made Greater because of any small thing I do. I realized I leave my mark wherever I go, because You made me salt and light! And no one is like me, because You have a purpose for me. Make me like You!! I wanna be more like my DaddyGod! I love You more than swimming!!! I really do. Hear my prayers for others and for these things in Jesus’ name, Amen! (This is the August 28th post.)

110/255: I may shut down my blog

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I’m not sure, but I may stop blogging. And I may deactivate my Facebook account. I don’t seem to say anything relevant to anyone else’s life so I may need to just be silent. When I say something, people criticize me for this or that. And I have prayer journals for baring my soul where the critics can’t see. If I don’t get to say what I want, then why would I subject myself to the abuse? If no one reads it, does a blog or a book still need to be written?

Transparency Experiment: Negative result. Fail. No Acts Church going on here.😥

"He said: “I am ‘The voice of one crying in the wilderness: “Make straight the way of the Lord ,”’ as the prophet Isaiah said.”
John 1:23 NKJV

I’m not going to pray here tonight, because I don’t think it benefits anyone. I can pray alone without typing it.

John the Baptist out. Be blessed!